Saturday, May 11, 2013

Overheard in the Chat 'n' Chew Bar 'n' Grill, 1:30 p.m., 2/22/96

Fortyish Farmer A: So, are you gonna write a story for the big contest?
Fortyish Farmer B: I guess I should. That's a lot a money. I just got to figure out what kind a story would win.
A. Geez, man, you know what was great stories? Penthouse Forum. Phew.
B. ...
A. Oh, come on, we all read em, you had to of read em too. Hah, we didn't read much else in them days, maybe Sports Illustrated if you can call lookin at pictures readin, but we never missed a Forum story. We all read em, and then as soon as we could find a room with a door that closed we went and, uh, used 'em. Right? I mean, geez, I think I spent a total of about ten minutes from age 13 to age 25 not thinking about sex. Your crotch is a damn force of nature at that age.
B. ...
A. Here, next round's on you. Anyway, bud, those stories were just incredible. Seriously incredible, as in, not to be believed by any sane human being. Even as a horny teenager I understood that, but I didn't really care, the stories were so good. They were almost better than the pictures.
B. Yeah. They were.
A. Ahahaha! I knew it!
B. Like you said.
A. Right. Hah!
B. They all started out the same. "I heard stories like this, but I never believed it would happen to me."
A. That's right. They did.
B. You know, when I think about it, that's a pretty smart way to start out. It kind of jumps right past the big problem--of believability--right away. All kinds a crazy shit happens in those stories, right? You know it's got to be made-up. Guy comes four or five times and each time there's more of it? Average guys are just bumping into like pornstar hot chicks who just drop their pants and bend over? For this average guy? Sex scenes that last a whole day? All kinds of hot sex happening and no one ever puts on a condom, in the early days of AIDS? Hell, I remember when people were afraid to breathe the same air as even just a gay guy, let alone like going bareback for threesomes and whatnot. What kind of fantasy world is that? But so anyway the story says, "I never believed it would happen to me." Now you've at least tipped your hat to the thing you can't help having right up foremost in your mind--"Oh come on, this would never happen." It was like sending you a message in secret: "Maybe this could happen to you, too. You never know. You don't believe it now, but..."
A. Hah, but you never know!
B. Always such crazy sex shit going on. Guy gets pulled over by two lady cops and handcuffed. Guy with a mother and daughter team. Orgies. Gloryholes. Screwing in speeding cars. Costumes. Latex suits!
A. That's good, though. You don't want to read like, "After the kids finally went to bed, me and my wife of twenty-two years watched Die Hard on video and finished off a twelve-pack of Coors. She wanted to go to sleep, but I bugged her 'cause it'd been a long time, so finally she rolled her eyes and let me do it. She said, 'Don't take forever or I'll go to sleep on you.' So I worked fast."
B. That's true, you would never see that. That's pretty boring. You want to have something to, uh, shoot for. Hah. Something to dream.
A. You know, the Forum stories were like fairy tales for horny teenagers.
B. "Fairy tales"?
A. Not that kind a fairy. Fairy tales, like I don't know, Aladdin, and Hansel and Gretel, and The Tortoise and the Hare. No no no, listen, I think this is right. With those, you know it's a story right up front. You even start most of em with "Once upon a time," and that tells you it's a story coming up. Just like "I never thought it would happen to me." But you want a story, that's the whole point. You want a crazy, made-up, obviously-not-true story. Remember how you'd say that? "Tell me a story." When the story announced itself as a story, that didn't ruin it for you, it just made you happy. I loved hearing "Once upon a time."
B. "Tell me a story." "Once upon a time." Right.
A. So. What story you gonna tell for the contest?
B. I need to think about that.